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I need an unstable woman for a drama filled relationship…

Posted in May 27th, 2007

Hi there,

I’m seeking a like-minded woman to share a disastrous 3-9 month relationship with, ending in acrimony, emotional chaos, and possibly legal proceedings.

My name is Lloyd, I live in Chicago , I’m 27 years old, fairly well educated, I hold down a good job and am pretty stable. I’m told I’m fairly good looking, but I’ll let you be the judge of that - I’m generally caring and very honest.

I am looking for an attractive female who will at first give me obsessive love, praise and devotion - but whose paranoia, self-loathing and fear of rejection and abandonment will eventually lead her to alternately push me away and pull me closer in a love/hate cycle that will lead to infidelity, consensual sexual violence, and the eventual emotional breakdown of one or other party - or if we’re lucky - both!

You should:

* be 20 to 35 years old;
* have a history of short, intense, drama-driven relationships;
* enjoy degrading and dehumanizing sex;
* have undergone negative psychiatric evaluations in the past; and
* be willing to threaten self-harm and/or annihilation as a weapon to control your partner and make them stay with you and care for you.

Although not completely necessary, I would prefer women:

* with nice smiles;
* that have larger than average breasts;
* who are married or already in unstable relationships;
* that drink to forget; and
* who have had a previous established diagnosis of Borderline or Dependent Personality Disorder or Bi-Polar Affective Disorder - or who are currently taking Lithium Carbonate, SSRIs, or Tri-cyclic antidepressants

If you think you meet these requirements (and wow, I’m getting excited just writing them!), please don’t hesitate to get back to me as soon as possible. In the meantime, thank you for reading my advert, and do take care.

All the best,

Lloyd

ps This advert is in recognition of the big neon sign on my forehead that everyone else can see except me.

Send your gripes to “gripes (at) ofuzi.com, and we promise to publish the most coherent ones. (substitute the “(at)” with “@”).

25 Users Commented In " I need an unstable woman for a drama filled relationship… "

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cabanna says,

5-27-2007 at 17:19:30 from 172.164.246.228

I feel your pain in having a neon sign that only the wrong type of people can see, placed on one’s forehead. Mine just happens to attract what you just described, in male form.
cheers and enjoy.

robertinseattle says,

5-27-2007 at 21:00:03 from 68.167.251.205

Great piece - one of those I wish I’d written myself! I’m more than twice your age and sometimes it still doesn’t seem to get much better at times. We both must have gotten that tattoo on our foreheads at the same place! Best of luck in the future from one eternal optimist to another!

spack says,

5-27-2007 at 22:39:15 from 69.151.209.158

I have EXACTLY the woman for you. She just got done ruining a couple of years of my life, so she’s ready for someone new.

There’s a listserv for this. It’s worth joining to commiserate and maybe start to get better at not falling into this kind of thing.

No one who hasn’t been through it really knows what it’s like.
Good luck.

maladjusted says,

5-27-2007 at 22:40:19 from 12.216.82.225

Nice. I’m attracted to the crazies myself. More challenging I guess but I quit after the second crazy wife. I like your approach, get right to dysfunctunal shit and get it out of the way. It seems the hot chicks are all F’up and they all do online dating services. I enjoyed the read. thanks.

tsq says,

5-28-2007 at 07:42:18 from 81.172.157.50

Isn’t that neon sign just amazingly effective?
Mine seem to get brighter and brighter with each passing relationship, attracting weirder and weirder nutcases. I am firmly rooted in my feeling that the real big bang just hasnt occured yet.

neozeed says,

5-28-2007 at 10:59:58 from 70.9.60.18

LOL, I think we’ve all been there before, right? I have to say it was the most intense ‘relationship’ i’ve ever been involved with, but lets run through the list…

My ex was 32 when I met her, her past was a big secret because of all the past & present relationships. All sex was degrading to her, but she *loved* it. She did have a variety of weird scars on her forarms but swore it had nothing to do with suicide. She wouldn’t threaten much with self harm, but had no issues about threating to kill me, friends, and my dog.

She really does have a nice smile when she choses to use it. Oh and she was engaged & married someone else while we were doing whatever it was we were doing. Not only was I invited to the wedding (awkward!) but we also went out the eve of the wedding…

Oh yeah, drank like a fish, and had a thing for cocaine. To say that she was borderline was an understatement. I had to move states to get away from her.. And it’s no lie, I miss the intensity of it all.

Oh and that was just my first! The others have been… Interesting to say the least, I wonder what it is about me!? (It is me isn’t it? I mean it has sent me into therapy trying to figure it out.)

But the killer is that ‘normal’ girls are just so… boring!

eighmie says,

5-29-2007 at 04:14:22 from 24.148.89.181

hey. I’m in Chicago, Call Me. LOL.

janejill says,

5-31-2007 at 18:40:07 from 86.14.4.63

ah, if only I were just a few years younger - do you need 100% compliance here?

tereska says,

6-2-2007 at 03:16:23 from 87.232.32.170

oh no! where were you two years ago? i’m 37, but totally fit other criteria, except I live in Ireland….but you can come and visit anyway, i’m told i don’t look my age

JessieJames says,

7-1-2007 at 15:19:41 from 75.46.43.101

This is the funniest take on a very sad reality. I am not ‘that woman’…not yet.

kyleg says,

1-27-2008 at 12:53:08 from 76.114.3.233

I was in it for 2 and 1/2 months. She didn’t have a nice smile. Mainly from prior crank abuse or vomiting to stay skinny. She was a total drunk and more often then not I was the one “babysitting” while she was off getting fucked up. Thanks WHORE.