For All the Desperate Nice Guys

After having yet another failure of a relationship before it even begins, I have decided to write a little guide for all you hopeful nice guys who just have no idea how to approach a “cute, funny, and smart” girl. Look, it’s not that we don’t like the initial attention, but please realise that after a week what might seem ‘interested’ to you, comes off as ‘desperate’ to everyone else. It’s creepy, it’s unattractive, and it’s not going to get you laid.

Let’s go from the beginning.

1. The Meet

You meet her at a party, a social gathering, a bar, a park etc and start talking. You find there’s a mutual attraction and you have a fair amount in common, so you get talking about books, movies, jokes or whatever it is you both like, and think you’d like to meet up again. You swap details, maybe a kiss on the cheek, and then return to your currently separate lives. We doing okay here? Good.

2. The Follow-Up

Next off, following up with a text or an email. Leave it till the next night, or the two days after ‘The Meet’, before you follow-up. You want to leave something short that lets her know that someone is thinking about her, that someone is interested in her. This is a warm and fuzzy feeling that most girls like, which is why you want it to be short and sweet and not overdo it. Did she mention she was doing anything the next day? Ask her how it went, or how so-and-so is, something along those lines that isn’t invasive but simply reminds her that you’re interested. You got that? Excellent.

3. The Text Conversation

Now we come to the text conversation. This is her reply to ‘The Follow-Up’, and where you get a chance of playful flirting. Don’t reply the instant you get her text, wait half an hour to an hour (this will also allow you time to think of how to properly reply). Casually drop in that you’d like to maybe see a movie (or the equivalent to whatever your shared interest is) and let her suggest a time. Remember, she has a life of her own which you are only on the fringes of at the moment, so don’t rush it. Let her soak in some well-placed flattery (and for god’s sake it’s called subtlety, don’t just go with ‘I think you’re hot’ or something similarly lame), but just enough so that she’s left wanting more.

4. The Second Follow-Up

This is important. This is the part where you enter either the ‘Casually Confirming’ or ‘Beginning to Seem Desperate’ stage. If you’ve got a possible date on the weekend and she hasn’t replied that week, casually send a text on the Thursday or mid-Friday to confirm. Something like “So how about that…”, something that shows you’re confident and mildly charming. Don’t be insecure with something like “Are we still on for…?” but if you are going that route, change it to “Are you still up for…?” rather than going the ‘we’ angle. You are not part of a ‘we’ yet, that is for you to secretly hope for and her to decide.

5. The Waiting

Look, it is possible that you did have the unfortunate luck to meet her during a very busy time, so if she tells you she’s busy but does still want to meet up, by god you let her tell you when. You do not, under ANY circumstances, begin texting every second day to find out when, when, when? If she’s busy, your texts are not going to help anything, and chances are she’s likely to be more frustrated than usual with a guy chasing her affections. Even if she’s not busy, the ball is in her court so let her have a chance to breathe and go from there.

6. Bonus: Drunken Text Messages

Don’t send them. You are not in any relationship (apart from ‘Possibility’) that is secure enough to allow your hopeless desperation. A few months into steady dating is acceptable for drunken, silly words, two weeks is not.

7. The ‘I don’t think this is what I want’ Rejection

If you have annoyed her enough for her to either call you, text you or email you (chances are she doesn’t really want to see you anymore), saying “I don’t think this is what I want”, then back the hell away. It probably was what she wanted BEFORE you went all creepy and clingy and tried to include her into every aspect of your life. You’ve screwed up, now leave her alone. Don’t suggest still being friends. You’ve creeped her out, now get away, learn from your mistakes and try your luck elsewhere.

Now this isn’t to say you aren’t a nice, funny and caring guy. You probably are, and the girl is probably wishing you weren’t such a near-stalker considering how well you both got along. But really, your desperation is so obvious and so off-putting that unless you find someone equally desperate you’re going to have a hard time finding that “cute, funny and smart” girl you were looking for. Be interested, but not overtly so. Be confident, but understanding. And for the love of god, be just slightly more challenging so the girl can feel like she’s in a relationship with an equal, not with some slobbering (albeit nice) guy who can’t live without her.