…………………………………………………..

“Baaargh..he’ll never be as good as his old man”…

It was in ‘97 and that was my pops…playa hatin’ on Enrique Iglesias.. We (my bro, pops and I) just finished watching his ”Hero” video, which I thought was VERY good, by the way…
Dad, like every old school playa of his time, was an avid listener to the old Julio Iglesias ballads (though he seemed not to care much for Iglesias the younger), I had wondered how many women he “befriended” while listening to “that misguided Latino”, as my brother used to call Julio Iglesias. (Indeed, my bro simply referred to ALL Latin singers…from Julio to Lisa Lisa, Gloria Estefan, Los Lobos, Jon Secada, Ricky Martin, Marc Anthony AND Enrique…as ”misguided Latinos”).
I guess pops felt that Enrique deviated from the romantic, Latin love ballads of his father (go figure!)

One of the Iglesias songs I usually heard pops humming to frequently was “To all the girls I loved before”…and I had always wondered what the old man was thinking when he hummed that song. Having heard stories from my uncles and aunties about pops’ escapades (and having seen one or two first hand myself), one can hazard that there was quite a plethora of names going through his head…
I once watched a VHS video of Julio performing live in Monaco. I thought it was a good performance. He openly flirted with his back-up singers (dirty dog!)…and of course, one of the highlights of the show was his performance of “To all the girls I’ve loved before”…
I had watched the faces of the men in the audience (seated next to their over-made up prima-donna wives/mistresses), as the camera occasionally panned through the terraced seats during Julio’s rendition…and for most of them, they wore looks of deep reflection…regretful/pensive smiles of sweet guilt and memories, ONLY one of them actually turned to face the woman seated next to him to give her a broad smile (ain’t love grand!)

Anyway…I recently heard the song again on radio while brushing my pearly whites in da bathroom, and looking at my face in the mirror, I found that this time, it was ME that had the guilty/pensive bitter-sweet smile on my face (what were you thinking, boy??!!).
The memories and images; joyful, funny, playful, passionate, painful, erotic…all floated through my head. The names flitting in my mind…names that evoked smiles, laughter, frowns, tears, longing, lust…and more

……………………………………………….

A – Loved all you were, your faults and all…pity you didn’t quite see past mine… thanks for the good times though…will forever be “painfully” cherished..
B – A “free spirit”, refusing to be “tied down”…I wish you all the happiness you seek…and more…
C – UTTERLY forbidden, secret…but still irresistible. Glad we parted friends..I think (whew!)
D – You inspired words I never thought I had…pity we let the hatas (and me) screw it up…
E – One long night, and a lifetime’s worth of memories
F – Its true what they say about dynamite coming in small packages…DAMN!!
G –
H – Why da heck did we bother when we both knew it was heading nowhere..?? Ok ok, don’t answer that…there might be minors readin’ this..
I – The long one…homie, lover, sista, friend…almost got to the finish line, almost went the distance…but like the song says..”almost doesn’t count”.. I know, I know…my fault…hurt like a mutha though..
J – WHOA…no comment..
K – Like I told ya when we first met…you looked like the kid I used to share lunches with in elementary school…Corny pick-up line, I know, but it worked..didn’t it?
L – A week of sheer bliss, a year of longing…the chemistry was right, but the geography was wrong…thanks for all that love anyway…
M – Crazy “obsessed” kid…Watched ya grow, the child, the girl, the woman..you made me feel like a brat again…on top of the world…friends forever, girl…
N – My main pal…ride-or-die chick…ALWAYS has my back…
O – The first one I wanted to “take home to mama”…but I guess I JUST wasn’t “ready” to love you like you needed to be loved….
P – Was nice, (almost) knowing ya kid..pity it didn’t quite take off…
Q – Too much promise..too little reality…where you at girl..??
R –
S –Different breed of woman…smart, driven, incredibly sexy, multifaceted (schizo?) …challenged my mind, expanded my parameters. Friends for life..!!
T – Whoa…kinda scared me to be obsessed over like that…I guess I didn’t think I deserved all that passion (craziness?)…
U – The first one ever…thanks for “breaking me in” and making me feel “all growed up”…
V – They just don’t make ‘em like this anymore…HOT mind, HOT body…I treasure the (short) time we had..
W – The attraction was mutual (almost scary) from the first sighting…wherever you are, I wish you joy….
Y – Ok ok…I know you’re mad at me…but hey, I saw the end from the beginning…trust me, I did ya a favour. I’m not as nice as you think I am.
Z – Er…it was over before it even started..sorry!!

(Whew..!! Thank heaven the modern English alphabet has only twenty-six characters…lol)

One and all…they taught me the true meanings of love, lust and loss…we gave and took of each other…sometimes with nervous caution, sometimes with reckless abandon…leaving part of ourselves with each other, memories that we’ll carry for life…
Each one revealing a different facet of the kaleidoscope that is woman..
Even with the regrets and heartache, I can say in all honesty…it was worth every minute of the ride…

To those to whom I might have caused pain…PLEASE accept my sincerest apologies, it was never my intention to hurt anyone (yeah..it usually never is, right?)……
And to those that kicked my sorry ass to the curb…hey, thanks for doing me a favor….

Love y’all forever..!!

Based in Nigeria, Obi Eze is not only a first class lover, but also an international man of mystery… He can be reached via Facebook

And let me tell you, you came to the right place. Because the world is populated by guys like you; in fact I’m willing to bet there’s not one man in the whole wide world who doesn’t think he deserves an on-the-couch blow job the first time he makes out with someone, so fear not. This is territory that any girl over the age of 15 has seen many, many times. So don’t think I won’t do it. There’s just a few things I need from you first.

First, I would appreciate it if you would wash your genitals once a day. Just once a day. Heck, you can even do it while you’re IN the shower washing anyway. Because guys like you — don’t blame me for presuming — often live under the gross misunderstanding that their genitals do not stink. Oddly, this is simultaneously the VERY SAME reason they give for not giving us girls oral sex. Listen while I compare the maintenance habits of me and you — it’ll only take a second and I’ll get right to it, swear to God.

So. Here’s what girls do. We scrub our genitals — front to back, inside and out — every day under a high-pressure stream of hot water, using expensive soap designed to both moisturize and leave a pleasant scent. Then we shave most of our genitals. You might think that’s an easy task. No, no, my friend. It is not easy. It requires bending, twisting, squatting, stretching and sometimes a hand-held mirror. It must be done every day, but it cannot be rushed. What may be passed off as a “nick” on, say, my knees or your face, can rise to the level of emergency-room-visit when wielding a sharp object so near one’s particulars. So. The shaving. Then once a month we go to a snooty spa and spend $80 — without tip — for a wax. That’s even more fun. That’s where we climb up on a table wearing paper panties and then a stranger walks in and starts applying hot wax to our genitals. Often they ask us to assume a particalurly demeaning position — on all fours, say, or holding one ankle above our heads — to get every last hair off. And, dude, it hurts. Really. Once we’re properly hairless, then we apply TendSkin to prevent red bumps, lotion to prevent any flaky skin and high-priced exfoliating scrub every other day to prevent ingrown hairs. When all is well, we scent our panties and go about our dressing for our big date with you, the super cute boy. Why all this preparation, you ask? It’s just so that when we DO manage to be making out with you, you can scrunch up your nose, look at our genitals and say that you “don’t do that.” You’re like, “Sorry, it’s not you, I just don’t…” And we’re like, “Oh, no. It’s OK,” secretly resenting every painful minute of our genital-prep time. OK, OK, that’s us. Now here’s you.

You probably run a wet bar of Irish Spring under your armpits every morning and, if we’re lucky, maybe take a swipe near your unmentionables. That’s the beginning and the end, am I right? You might be surprised to find that Irish Spring or no, you STILL may be stinky. It’s true! See, guys secrete sweat and stuff down there, just like girls. And it’s an area that never gets any sunlight or fresh air, just like girls. You piss and shit and sometimes it doesn’t all go away, just like girls. You have hair down there, just like girls. See where I’m going with this? You may stink as bad — nay, worse! — than me, the lucky lady about to put your cock and balls in my mouth. But have you ever heard a girl say she “doesn’t do that”? Exactly. We don’t say that. So do me a favor, please, and tomorrow start scrubbing your gentials with the same fervor I scrub mine. And consider buying wet toilet paper, it really does help you stay clean throughout the day. Anytime you think you might be perfectly clean, just rub a finger around your testicles and butt crack, then smell it. If comes up Irish Spring, perfect. If not, just think. I’m going to have to put my face in that.

So. Sorry to blabber on so long. I promise I’m almost done and we can start the fabuloso blow job I know you’ve been thinking about ever since that fateful night when you looked at me and said, “‘Sup?” Just a couple more things. Listen to me now. I give pretty good blowjobs. Seriously. I do. For a non-porn-star, I’m willing to bet this is about as good as you’re ever going to get. But hear me out. If you want to put your dick in my mouth, that is perfectly fine with me. But you need to respect the fact that my teeth were there first. I can’t, sadly, do anything with them as the Good Lord has seen fit to leave me all my teeth at this late age of 26 and I don’t have dentures. So if you have a serious problem with teeth touching your penis, here’s what I suggest you do: Don’t put your dick in other people’s mouths. See, that’s where all the teeth are. It is soooo easy to avoid getting my teeth against your dick. Just stop putting it in my mouth. Voila! If you insist on putting your dick in my mouth, and I can see that you do, I can promise to do my best to dis-locate my jaw to give you a blowjob that is all suck, spit and tongue. But sometimes you may feel a tooth. Whoops! No need to freak out. The same goes for anal sex, should we ever find ourselves down that path in the future. If you ever want to put your dick up my ass, and don’t even pretend, I know you will, that’s OK. As long as I feel like you care about me and respect me, that’s totally OK. But if I let you put your dick up my butthole, please don’t freak out if, afterward, you discover a speck of fecal matter on your penis on our way to the shower. Wow. That really embarasses me, believe me. No need to point it out. And if you do point it out, I can tell you there’s a simple solution for not getting fecal matter on your penis. What you do is, stop putting it in other people’s assholes. See how easy that is?

But I digress. We’re not talking about anal sex here, are we? We’re talking about oral sex, about the blowjob you expect from me because you got me that Amstel Light at the show, when you totally could’ve just gone Coors Light. My hat’s off, sir. You deserve a treat. So here goes. Now that we’ve had this little talk, I hope our oral sex experiences can be positive for both of us. Oh. One last thing. I’m going to swallow, OK?, and that doesn’t mean I love you and want to marry you. That means I’ll taste it less and won’t have your semen coursing over my tongue as I spit it out. So don’t read anything into that. Thanks for listening, and enjoy.

Section One: Multiple Choice (Answer All, 5 points)

When submitting answers via email, please copy and paste the question and then your answer selection beside it.

Q1. Six months into our relationship, I go away to a tropical location with my family for a week over Christmas. This vacation was planned as a family event two years prior to meeting you. This is:

a) A great opportunity to get some things done without me around.
b) A great opportunity to attempt to sleep with my college roommate and/or my boss.
c) A sign that you are probably just a casual thing that I could toss aside at any given moment despite the fact I bought you probably the most thoughtful gift you’ve ever received and written you a letter for every day that I’ll be gone, inciting you to ‘Go on the Defensive.’
d) Occasion to have a sexy dinner at home the night before I leave, and a mini ‘welcome home’ party when I get back that’s guest list is just you, me, a bottle of wine and a pack of condoms.

Q2. We’ve talked every night for eight days (not including the dinner/opera show I took you to on Saturday night that was followed by possibly your worst performance in bed ever, or the Monday night that I came over and we spent the evening making Rachel Ray recipes and watching Heroes followed by the best oral sex I’ve ever given you), with conversation time averaging about an hour per night. On a Thursday night, when on a deadline, I express a need to get off the phone so I can finish some work and go to bed at a reasonable hour. You:
a) Express your feelings of devotion in three words or less, then and quickly say goodbye after confirming plans for tomorrow night are still on.
b) Say goodbye, but then immediately begin talking about something that we hadn’t discussed as thoroughly as is scientifically, legally or religiously possible two nights prior.
c) Take that as a sign that I’m abandoning you, and begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you’re clearly not my priority, and then cry.
d) Say goodbye, but manage to do it with such menace and venom that I stay on the phone for another three silence filled hours, broken only by fits of gentle weeping and suicide threats.

Q3. I’m throwing change at your cleavage, which is readily on display in that loose fitting tank top you wear around my place on Sundays after brunch. Do you:
a) Wing the largest of the coins at my head, with an evil glare and then refuse to speak to me for the rest of the day.
b) Encourage my behavior, and allow me to purchase Afternoon Delights from you at discount prices.
c) Cry.
d) Cry and pick a fight with me, taking my actions as a total lack of respect for you and then begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you’re clearly not my priority, and then cry some more.

Q4. We’re having a fight. You:
a) Throw me out of your apartment, then thirty minutes later send 17 texts and attempt to call 13 times in the space of six minutes.
b) Give me space when the discussion gets too heated for rational thought, and redress your complaints in a calm manner when we’ve both had a chance to cool down.
c) Flip me the bird.
d) Wail on my junk.
e) both c and d
f) realize that the fight is about nothing, and begin creating fictional problems and make wild accusations about my obsession with material goods and having a wandering eye.
g) f, then d, then c.

Q5. I play [video games OR tabletop gaming OR fantasy football]. You:
a) Want to join in, because it looks like hella fun.
b) Leave me to it, in the hopes that I’ll leave you a few things to participate in on your own.
c) Attempt to get me to quit, and use tactics like nagging, vandalism and emotional sabotage as an effective campaign against what you call my ‘nerdy addiction.’
d) c, but also include deriding me to your friends.

Section Two: True or False (Answer All, 10 points)

When submitting answers via email, please copy and paste the question and then your answer selection beside it.

Q1. Rationale and Reason are the same thing.

Q2. A cheerleader AND/OR schoolgirl outfit is a wardrobe must.

Q3. Talking in your ‘cute voice’ just before you put my balls in your mouth is sexy.

Q4. Learning body language and communication cues is important.

Q5. ‘Anchorman’ and ‘Superbad’ are hilarious movies.

Q6. “But it’s cute when I do it” should be a legally viable defense.

Q7. Chest hair is gross.

Q8. Bono is probably the most important political figure of our generation.

Q9. Sex is an important part of a relationship, and should be had frequently, often, whenever possible – within moderation, of course.

Q10. A relationship is metaphorically a two way street. So is your butt.

Section Three: Short Essay. (Answer ONE, 5 points)

Please select one of the following questions and answer it as fully as time will allow. Please try and be as descriptive as possible, and where applicable, come up with at least TWO convincing arguments to support your case. Arguments must be backed up with cited evidence, not anecdotal perspective.

Q1. If I was a crime-fighting vigilante by night, what efforts would you make to support my cause about the rising threat of evil in this city?

Q2. Please come up with a convincing game-plan for having me come shopping with you, keeping in mind my retail oriented attention span is about twelve minutes, and I am prone to wandering after flashing lights and shiny things.

Q3. Please argue why you are (do) or are not (do not): ‘Down to Earth’, ‘Have a sense of humor’ and ‘Laid back’. Bonus if you can include evidence to confirm that you truly do avoid ‘head games.’ Caroline Kennedyesque answers are not considered acceptable.

Please submit answers via the email link provided. Please also keep a copy of this test and your answers to submit to future suitors for reference. Remember to ensure your name, number and bra size are clearly written at the top of your paper, and don’t forget to attach a photo (3/4 length or full)

Courtesy Craiglist

How happy I would be if I could find that perfect man who has given up on himself and life………the man who has nothing to give another human being because they have experienced so many disappointments that he is so beaten down…..sad…..and vulnerable to a woman like me.

Yes, I am the disappointed vicious shrew you are looking for. I know that you would never date a woman who was actually good for you, you would rather be with a woman who has my qualities.

Pretty….sure I am
Charming…why, yes…that too
Vicious, uncaring, cold and demeaning…..you can bet your last dollar on that!!!!

Yes…..you will be drawn to me, love me and I will haunt your dreams…….

And why you might ask? Because you hate yourself……you wouldn’t know a good thing if it was right in front of you.

Why date a woman who values you when I can just use you to take me out and then ignore your phone calls the next day?

Why date a woman who loves you just the way you are, when I can constantly try to change you and make you feel bad about not being enough?

Wouldn’t you rather spend an evening with me while getting drunk, acting paranoid, slinging accusations at each other?

What can better than to having me providing you with a verbal onslaught for the sole purpose to emasculate you? Then you can insult and berate me while you systematically decrease my self-esteem and undermine my confidence.

What could be better than having me nag at you …..while you try to block out my tirade of accusations and threats……After several hours of this heavy assault can go by until, finally the crescendo…..it is sublime bliss to hear you completely loosing your cool and screaming at me. Finally…..some emotion from you.

Ah……..pure joy!

Let’s explore a long and un-fulfilling relationship of disappointing each other. Why not…..you have nothing going on, so you have nothing to lose.

Dear Jackie,

You are a nice girl with a good heart, but I honestly couldn’t stand being your boyfriend anymore. You will probably never read this, but I think you deserve an explanation. Here are the REAL reasons I broke up with you last month:

1. I am not your therapist. You would think the hourly calls to your sisters would give you your fix. Please understand, guys just don’t do this. I really don’t need to hear about your sister’s annual physical. I have no vested interest in your mom’s apple pie recipe. Your office politics are important, yes, but I think an update once per month would be enough. And the stories about the transsexual guys your gay roommate brings back to your place kind of turn my stomach.

2. At age 27, there has to be more to you than what shoes to wear with what outfit. Sleeping in until the moment you leave for work, then getting drunk every night the moment you leave work, while it might seem to be extremely relaxing, is not really a very inspiring way to live your life.

3. Your apartment is disgusting. I hate to be blunt, but I gave up the “college dorm” scene when I left my college dorm. One bathroom for a house full of roommates and their fuck buddies is more than enough to churn anyone’s stomach. And the fact that you still live with your college buddies close to a decade later pretty much says it all. Get your own pad, or share with one cool person, but at the least, hire a house cleaner once a month Normal people beyond the age of 21 shouldn’t live like transient beings at a roach motel.

4. Smokers smell bad. It gets in your hair, on your clothes, and fouls your breath. And what are you doing smoking? Come on, you’re not driving a tractor in Indiana. And since you love to complain about how your looks are leaving you, please realize that the smoking is not doing your complexion any favors.

5. You have a body hair problem. Let’s discuss:

A) First of all, you gotta do something about that stubble on your chin. Please, you can’t claim that you haven’t noticed it. As self-absorbed as you are, you notice microscopic flaws that a trained forensic detective would never detect. There’s waxing, electrolysis, and other ways to get rid of that stuff. If you saved the money you waste on butts and parking tickets, it would pay for itself.

B) Second, the stubble on your legs is like the industrial sandpaper we used to use on the construction crew to remove cement. YES, I do notice it when you try to cuddle just as I’m falling asleep and your barbed wire calves slice open my skin. Maybe it’s not that “I don’t like to cuddle”, but possibly that “I detest pain”?

6. Your friends suck. Granted, they’re your friends and it’s wonderful that you have some, but the drunken bitch you made me sit next to who couldn’t shut up and had nothing positive to say was more than any normal person would or should be subjected to. The other one can’t stand the fact that I blew off her lame advances and hence bad mouths me behind my back all the time. Face it, she flirted with me and never told you; what kind of friend is that?

7. My friends never liked you. I know this is not in itself a justification for dumping someone, but when not ONE of your friends has anything positive to say about your girlfriend, it kind of sends a nice, big, objective, third-party signal. . . .

8. Your almost getting locked up the night I introduced you to my mother did not help your cause. Look, parking tickets aside, you simply have to register your car. And if the three of us are in your car driving to my mom’s birthday dinner, getting us pulled over because a cop notices you haven’t bothered to register your car is just bad potential mother-in-law karma. Believe me, as an only child, and at my advanced age, my mom’s desire for grandchildren has lowered her standards to the point where any breathing, non-crack-whore potential mate will do. This is the first time she has actually questioned my judgment about a girl I am dating.

9. You gotta look sexy, once in a while. Now, I’m not into high maintenance women. But wearing jeans EVERY day just gets a little boring, eventually. I still refuse to believe that every woman doesn’t own at least one skirt. Come on, guys need to see some leg to get the old juices flowing once in a while, even if it is covered in stubble. A dress, skirt, shorts – anything that shows a little skin will do!

10. Your you-know-what is disgusting. Whatever that strange birth control device was that you insisted on using — which caused chronic bleeding and I kept hitting every time we knocked boots — was just not worth it. I was happy to switch to condoms. And please, there’s a reason they refer to trim as “trim”. It really is sexy to trim it. Letting it grow wild, especially with all the congealed blood caught up in it, was too much. That’s why I stopped making house calls.

11. If you have what looks like herpes sores, then get them checked out. Even if you claim they are cold sores. Especially when I ask you to. And stop kissing you. Don’t you even care about your health, and whom you might infect?

12. Constantly denigrating the thing I care most about in life – poetry – is not the best way to kindle my feelings toward you. What is it with you unevolved women, you always think it’s about you? I love poetry, and you don’t, so please don’t take it personally. This is called insecurity. What you are doing is projecting. You project your insecurity by attacking me. This is not good. This is not what loving, mature people do.

13. (A Free, Bonus Reason) Finally, and this is the big one – believe it or not – but you were just TOO into me. You took all of the challenge out if it. Calling me every day, wanting to be with me every night, telling me too soon how great I am. This is not healthy. This is an inversion of the atavistic male/female dynamic. You left nothing left for me to do. No chasing, no winning, no challenge. Please, and take this as sincere advice, you gotta leave something for the guy to do. If the battle is won, all he can do is look for the next battle. . . . ]]> http://www.ofuzi.com/2007/11/11/dear-jackie-here-are-the-real-reasons-i-broke-up-with-you%e2%80%a6/feed/ 0 http://www.ofuzi.com/2007/11/11/for-all-the-desperate-nice-guys/ http://www.ofuzi.com/2007/11/11/for-all-the-desperate-nice-guys/#comments Mon, 12 Nov 2007 02:39:12 +0000 chief http://www.ofuzi.com/?p=6

For All the Desperate Nice Guys

After having yet another failure of a relationship before it even begins, I have decided to write a little guide for all you hopeful nice guys who just have no idea how to approach a “cute, funny, and smart” girl. Look, it’s not that we don’t like the initial attention, but please realise that after a week what might seem ‘interested’ to you, comes off as ‘desperate’ to everyone else. It’s creepy, it’s unattractive, and it’s not going to get you laid.

Let’s go from the beginning.

1. The Meet

You meet her at a party, a social gathering, a bar, a park etc and start talking. You find there’s a mutual attraction and you have a fair amount in common, so you get talking about books, movies, jokes or whatever it is you both like, and think you’d like to meet up again. You swap details, maybe a kiss on the cheek, and then return to your currently separate lives. We doing okay here? Good.

2. The Follow-Up

Next off, following up with a text or an email. Leave it till the next night, or the two days after ‘The Meet’, before you follow-up. You want to leave something short that lets her know that someone is thinking about her, that someone is interested in her. This is a warm and fuzzy feeling that most girls like, which is why you want it to be short and sweet and not overdo it. Did she mention she was doing anything the next day? Ask her how it went, or how so-and-so is, something along those lines that isn’t invasive but simply reminds her that you’re interested. You got that? Excellent.

3. The Text Conversation

Now we come to the text conversation. This is her reply to ‘The Follow-Up’, and where you get a chance of playful flirting. Don’t reply the instant you get her text, wait half an hour to an hour (this will also allow you time to think of how to properly reply). Casually drop in that you’d like to maybe see a movie (or the equivalent to whatever your shared interest is) and let her suggest a time. Remember, she has a life of her own which you are only on the fringes of at the moment, so don’t rush it. Let her soak in some well-placed flattery (and for god’s sake it’s called subtlety, don’t just go with ‘I think you’re hot’ or something similarly lame), but just enough so that she’s left wanting more.

4. The Second Follow-Up

This is important. This is the part where you enter either the ‘Casually Confirming’ or ‘Beginning to Seem Desperate’ stage. If you’ve got a possible date on the weekend and she hasn’t replied that week, casually send a text on the Thursday or mid-Friday to confirm. Something like “So how about that…”, something that shows you’re confident and mildly charming. Don’t be insecure with something like “Are we still on for…?” but if you are going that route, change it to “Are you still up for…?” rather than going the ‘we’ angle. You are not part of a ‘we’ yet, that is for you to secretly hope for and her to decide.

5. The Waiting

Look, it is possible that you did have the unfortunate luck to meet her during a very busy time, so if she tells you she’s busy but does still want to meet up, by god you let her tell you when. You do not, under ANY circumstances, begin texting every second day to find out when, when, when? If she’s busy, your texts are not going to help anything, and chances are she’s likely to be more frustrated than usual with a guy chasing her affections. Even if she’s not busy, the ball is in her court so let her have a chance to breathe and go from there.

6. Bonus: Drunken Text Messages

Don’t send them. You are not in any relationship (apart from ‘Possibility’) that is secure enough to allow your hopeless desperation. A few months into steady dating is acceptable for drunken, silly words, two weeks is not.

7. The ‘I don’t think this is what I want’ Rejection

If you have annoyed her enough for her to either call you, text you or email you (chances are she doesn’t really want to see you anymore), saying “I don’t think this is what I want”, then back the hell away. It probably was what she wanted BEFORE you went all creepy and clingy and tried to include her into every aspect of your life. You’ve screwed up, now leave her alone. Don’t suggest still being friends. You’ve creeped her out, now get away, learn from your mistakes and try your luck elsewhere.

Now this isn’t to say you aren’t a nice, funny and caring guy. You probably are, and the girl is probably wishing you weren’t such a near-stalker considering how well you both got along. But really, your desperation is so obvious and so off-putting that unless you find someone equally desperate you’re going to have a hard time finding that “cute, funny and smart” girl you were looking for. Be interested, but not overtly so. Be confident, but understanding. And for the love of god, be just slightly more challenging so the girl can feel like she’s in a relationship with an equal, not with some slobbering (albeit nice) guy who can’t live without her.

This one’s for you. The first and only letter I’ll ever write to you even though you are so not gonna read it.

First of all thanks for making me feel like I was special, now I know I’m not at all. Thanks for smiling every time you saw me across the hallway and came over just to say hi. That was cute.

Thanks also for that time you gave me a little candy you bought with your cigarette. That rocked! Also thanks for that one time I went to your place and we did it all afternoon. That was something else, specially when you didn’t call back the next day. Or the day after that.

That was awesome, you made me feel like a whore. But then again you texted me… man, I felt blessed… you did remember me… Delilah, your friend, the one you couldn’t fuck for an entire year cuz she was playing the hard to catch to you but who really was trying not to fall completely in love with you. Then you ignored me, again. Then you called, to get laid, of course.

Cool, we are fuck buddies, I got it, there’s nothing else besides that. But couldn’t you figure it out?? Couldn’t you?? You do know I’m in love. You do know I’m only pretending to be chill and let things “flow” as you said to me that time, laying in bed, where everything was better just cuz’ of you standing by myside.

You do know It’s fake when I say “let’s just have fun”. Cuz I know that as long as you don’t feel compromise you’ll stay with me. Thanks, voldemort. Really. This makes me feel loved and appreciated.

Oh, and by the way… I hope the other girl, the one I know you don’t talk about cuz you love so much to have the pretty girl I am in your bed like a trophy; I hope she, the other skank, has the chance to infect you with some STD. Cuz God knows I won’t do you again.

The party of the first part (herein referred to as “she”), being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as “him”):

1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship
(colloquially referred to as the “first date”), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated.

Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.

2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the “matchmaker”) blameless in the event that the “fix-up” turns out to be a “real loser” or “psycho bitch”. (For definition of “real loser”, see “John DeLorean My Story”, available at most bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione in “Penthouse”. For definition of “psycho bitch,” see Sharon Stone in “Basic Instinct” or Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction.”)

3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said “dating”: For the first thirty (30) days, both parties consent to say they are “going out”. (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty 30) days, both parties may say they are “seeing somebody” and may be referred to by third parties as “an item”. Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date, either member may elect to use the terms “girl/boyfriend” or “lover” and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as “a couple”. Under no circumstances are the phrases “my better half,” “the little woman,” “the old ball and chain,” or “my old man/lady” acceptable. Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped up; however, if either party “gets too serious” and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of “moving too fast” and may once again be said to be “on the market.”

4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days, both parties agree not to ask questions about the other’s whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; “rights” or “holds” on the other’s time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be “missing in action” the “wounded party” agrees to “give up”.

5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days, both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other’s work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be made at least twenty-four(24) hours in advance; there will be no “running off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend”, and both parties agree to strike the phrase “but he/she needs me” from their vocabularies. Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or to arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers.
Following the first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return to their normal personalities.

6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that — respective gross income aside “he” will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until: He considers her suitably impressed, He is broke, or He says, “this is ridiculous, you pay!” Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.

7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the “Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?” codicil): Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more than four nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. Both will avoid having their mothers call at 7:30 in the morning. He agrees to “pick up after himself” while in residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties. By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment “a mess”.

8. THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member of the phrases couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of like “Let’s move in together,” “Why don’t we start a family?” and – using archaic terminology — “Let’s get married.”

9. THE “L” WORD: For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree not to use the phrase “I love you.” They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the “G” word … “Gone.”

10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
Infidelity, Running off at any time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend, ending any argument with the sentence “My ex used to do that same ….” ]]> http://www.ofuzi.com/2007/07/22/pre-relationship-agreement/feed/ 0 http://www.ofuzi.com/2007/05/28/no-sex-tonight/ http://www.ofuzi.com/2007/05/28/no-sex-tonight/#comments Mon, 28 May 2007 15:20:26 +0000 chief http://www.ofuzi.com/?p=25

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel
like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to
take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel
like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?”

I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.

Hi there,

I’m seeking a like-minded woman to share a disastrous 3-9 month relationship with, ending in acrimony, emotional chaos, and possibly legal proceedings.

My name is Lloyd, I live in Chicago , I’m 27 years old, fairly well educated, I hold down a good job and am pretty stable. I’m told I’m fairly good looking, but I’ll let you be the judge of that – I’m generally caring and very honest.

I am looking for an attractive female who will at first give me obsessive love, praise and devotion – but whose paranoia, self-loathing and fear of rejection and abandonment will eventually lead her to alternately push me away and pull me closer in a love/hate cycle that will lead to infidelity, consensual sexual violence, and the eventual emotional breakdown of one or other party – or if we’re lucky – both!

You should:

* be 20 to 35 years old;
* have a history of short, intense, drama-driven relationships;
* enjoy degrading and dehumanizing sex;
* have undergone negative psychiatric evaluations in the past; and
* be willing to threaten self-harm and/or annihilation as a weapon to control your partner and make them stay with you and care for you.

Although not completely necessary, I would prefer women:

* with nice smiles;
* that have larger than average breasts;
* who are married or already in unstable relationships;
* that drink to forget; and
* who have had a previous established diagnosis of Borderline or Dependent Personality Disorder or Bi-Polar Affective Disorder – or who are currently taking Lithium Carbonate, SSRIs, or Tri-cyclic antidepressants

If you think you meet these requirements (and wow, I’m getting excited just writing them!), please don’t hesitate to get back to me as soon as possible. In the meantime, thank you for reading my advert, and do take care.

All the best,

Lloyd

ps This advert is in recognition of the big neon sign on my forehead that everyone else can see except me.

Send your gripes to “gripes (at) ofuzi.com, and we promise to publish the most coherent ones. (substitute the “(at)” with “@”).