…………………………………………………..

“Baaargh..he’ll never be as good as his old man”…

It was in ‘97 and that was my pops…playa hatin’ on Enrique Iglesias.. We (my bro, pops and I) just finished watching his ”Hero” video, which I thought was VERY good, by the way…
Dad, like every old school playa of his time, was an avid listener to the old Julio Iglesias ballads (though he seemed not to care much for Iglesias the younger), I had wondered how many women he “befriended” while listening to “that misguided Latino”, as my brother used to call Julio Iglesias. (Indeed, my bro simply referred to ALL Latin singers…from Julio to Lisa Lisa, Gloria Estefan, Los Lobos, Jon Secada, Ricky Martin, Marc Anthony AND Enrique…as ”misguided Latinos”).
I guess pops felt that Enrique deviated from the romantic, Latin love ballads of his father (go figure!)

One of the Iglesias songs I usually heard pops humming to frequently was “To all the girls I loved before”…and I had always wondered what the old man was thinking when he hummed that song. Having heard stories from my uncles and aunties about pops’ escapades (and having seen one or two first hand myself), one can hazard that there was quite a plethora of names going through his head…
I once watched a VHS video of Julio performing live in Monaco. I thought it was a good performance. He openly flirted with his back-up singers (dirty dog!)…and of course, one of the highlights of the show was his performance of “To all the girls I’ve loved before”…
I had watched the faces of the men in the audience (seated next to their over-made up prima-donna wives/mistresses), as the camera occasionally panned through the terraced seats during Julio’s rendition…and for most of them, they wore looks of deep reflection…regretful/pensive smiles of sweet guilt and memories, ONLY one of them actually turned to face the woman seated next to him to give her a broad smile (ain’t love grand!)

Anyway…I recently heard the song again on radio while brushing my pearly whites in da bathroom, and looking at my face in the mirror, I found that this time, it was ME that had the guilty/pensive bitter-sweet smile on my face (what were you thinking, boy??!!).
The memories and images; joyful, funny, playful, passionate, painful, erotic…all floated through my head. The names flitting in my mind…names that evoked smiles, laughter, frowns, tears, longing, lust…and more

……………………………………………….

A – Loved all you were, your faults and all…pity you didn’t quite see past mine… thanks for the good times though…will forever be “painfully” cherished..
B – A “free spirit”, refusing to be “tied down”…I wish you all the happiness you seek…and more…
C – UTTERLY forbidden, secret…but still irresistible. Glad we parted friends..I think (whew!)
D – You inspired words I never thought I had…pity we let the hatas (and me) screw it up…
E – One long night, and a lifetime’s worth of memories
F – Its true what they say about dynamite coming in small packages…DAMN!!
G –
H – Why da heck did we bother when we both knew it was heading nowhere..?? Ok ok, don’t answer that…there might be minors readin’ this..
I – The long one…homie, lover, sista, friend…almost got to the finish line, almost went the distance…but like the song says..”almost doesn’t count”.. I know, I know…my fault…hurt like a mutha though..
J – WHOA…no comment..
K – Like I told ya when we first met…you looked like the kid I used to share lunches with in elementary school…Corny pick-up line, I know, but it worked..didn’t it?
L – A week of sheer bliss, a year of longing…the chemistry was right, but the geography was wrong…thanks for all that love anyway…
M – Crazy “obsessed” kid…Watched ya grow, the child, the girl, the woman..you made me feel like a brat again…on top of the world…friends forever, girl…
N – My main pal…ride-or-die chick…ALWAYS has my back…
O – The first one I wanted to “take home to mama”…but I guess I JUST wasn’t “ready” to love you like you needed to be loved….
P – Was nice, (almost) knowing ya kid..pity it didn’t quite take off…
Q – Too much promise..too little reality…where you at girl..??
R –
S –Different breed of woman…smart, driven, incredibly sexy, multifaceted (schizo?) …challenged my mind, expanded my parameters. Friends for life..!!
T – Whoa…kinda scared me to be obsessed over like that…I guess I didn’t think I deserved all that passion (craziness?)…
U – The first one ever…thanks for “breaking me in” and making me feel “all growed up”…
V – They just don’t make ‘em like this anymore…HOT mind, HOT body…I treasure the (short) time we had..
W – The attraction was mutual (almost scary) from the first sighting…wherever you are, I wish you joy….
Y – Ok ok…I know you’re mad at me…but hey, I saw the end from the beginning…trust me, I did ya a favour. I’m not as nice as you think I am.
Z – Er…it was over before it even started..sorry!!

(Whew..!! Thank heaven the modern English alphabet has only twenty-six characters…lol)

One and all…they taught me the true meanings of love, lust and loss…we gave and took of each other…sometimes with nervous caution, sometimes with reckless abandon…leaving part of ourselves with each other, memories that we’ll carry for life…
Each one revealing a different facet of the kaleidoscope that is woman..
Even with the regrets and heartache, I can say in all honesty…it was worth every minute of the ride…

To those to whom I might have caused pain…PLEASE accept my sincerest apologies, it was never my intention to hurt anyone (yeah..it usually never is, right?)……
And to those that kicked my sorry ass to the curb…hey, thanks for doing me a favor….

Love y’all forever..!!

Based in Nigeria, Obi Eze is not only a first class lover, but also an international man of mystery… He can be reached via Facebook

Section One: Multiple Choice (Answer All, 5 points)

When submitting answers via email, please copy and paste the question and then your answer selection beside it.

Q1. Six months into our relationship, I go away to a tropical location with my family for a week over Christmas. This vacation was planned as a family event two years prior to meeting you. This is:

a) A great opportunity to get some things done without me around.
b) A great opportunity to attempt to sleep with my college roommate and/or my boss.
c) A sign that you are probably just a casual thing that I could toss aside at any given moment despite the fact I bought you probably the most thoughtful gift you’ve ever received and written you a letter for every day that I’ll be gone, inciting you to ‘Go on the Defensive.’
d) Occasion to have a sexy dinner at home the night before I leave, and a mini ‘welcome home’ party when I get back that’s guest list is just you, me, a bottle of wine and a pack of condoms.

Q2. We’ve talked every night for eight days (not including the dinner/opera show I took you to on Saturday night that was followed by possibly your worst performance in bed ever, or the Monday night that I came over and we spent the evening making Rachel Ray recipes and watching Heroes followed by the best oral sex I’ve ever given you), with conversation time averaging about an hour per night. On a Thursday night, when on a deadline, I express a need to get off the phone so I can finish some work and go to bed at a reasonable hour. You:
a) Express your feelings of devotion in three words or less, then and quickly say goodbye after confirming plans for tomorrow night are still on.
b) Say goodbye, but then immediately begin talking about something that we hadn’t discussed as thoroughly as is scientifically, legally or religiously possible two nights prior.
c) Take that as a sign that I’m abandoning you, and begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you’re clearly not my priority, and then cry.
d) Say goodbye, but manage to do it with such menace and venom that I stay on the phone for another three silence filled hours, broken only by fits of gentle weeping and suicide threats.

Q3. I’m throwing change at your cleavage, which is readily on display in that loose fitting tank top you wear around my place on Sundays after brunch. Do you:
a) Wing the largest of the coins at my head, with an evil glare and then refuse to speak to me for the rest of the day.
b) Encourage my behavior, and allow me to purchase Afternoon Delights from you at discount prices.
c) Cry.
d) Cry and pick a fight with me, taking my actions as a total lack of respect for you and then begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you’re clearly not my priority, and then cry some more.

Q4. We’re having a fight. You:
a) Throw me out of your apartment, then thirty minutes later send 17 texts and attempt to call 13 times in the space of six minutes.
b) Give me space when the discussion gets too heated for rational thought, and redress your complaints in a calm manner when we’ve both had a chance to cool down.
c) Flip me the bird.
d) Wail on my junk.
e) both c and d
f) realize that the fight is about nothing, and begin creating fictional problems and make wild accusations about my obsession with material goods and having a wandering eye.
g) f, then d, then c.

Q5. I play [video games OR tabletop gaming OR fantasy football]. You:
a) Want to join in, because it looks like hella fun.
b) Leave me to it, in the hopes that I’ll leave you a few things to participate in on your own.
c) Attempt to get me to quit, and use tactics like nagging, vandalism and emotional sabotage as an effective campaign against what you call my ‘nerdy addiction.’
d) c, but also include deriding me to your friends.

Section Two: True or False (Answer All, 10 points)

When submitting answers via email, please copy and paste the question and then your answer selection beside it.

Q1. Rationale and Reason are the same thing.

Q2. A cheerleader AND/OR schoolgirl outfit is a wardrobe must.

Q3. Talking in your ‘cute voice’ just before you put my balls in your mouth is sexy.

Q4. Learning body language and communication cues is important.

Q5. ‘Anchorman’ and ‘Superbad’ are hilarious movies.

Q6. “But it’s cute when I do it” should be a legally viable defense.

Q7. Chest hair is gross.

Q8. Bono is probably the most important political figure of our generation.

Q9. Sex is an important part of a relationship, and should be had frequently, often, whenever possible – within moderation, of course.

Q10. A relationship is metaphorically a two way street. So is your butt.

Section Three: Short Essay. (Answer ONE, 5 points)

Please select one of the following questions and answer it as fully as time will allow. Please try and be as descriptive as possible, and where applicable, come up with at least TWO convincing arguments to support your case. Arguments must be backed up with cited evidence, not anecdotal perspective.

Q1. If I was a crime-fighting vigilante by night, what efforts would you make to support my cause about the rising threat of evil in this city?

Q2. Please come up with a convincing game-plan for having me come shopping with you, keeping in mind my retail oriented attention span is about twelve minutes, and I am prone to wandering after flashing lights and shiny things.

Q3. Please argue why you are (do) or are not (do not): ‘Down to Earth’, ‘Have a sense of humor’ and ‘Laid back’. Bonus if you can include evidence to confirm that you truly do avoid ‘head games.’ Caroline Kennedyesque answers are not considered acceptable.

Please submit answers via the email link provided. Please also keep a copy of this test and your answers to submit to future suitors for reference. Remember to ensure your name, number and bra size are clearly written at the top of your paper, and don’t forget to attach a photo (3/4 length or full)

Courtesy Craiglist

Hi there,

I’m seeking a like-minded woman to share a disastrous 3-9 month relationship with, ending in acrimony, emotional chaos, and possibly legal proceedings.

My name is Lloyd, I live in Chicago , I’m 27 years old, fairly well educated, I hold down a good job and am pretty stable. I’m told I’m fairly good looking, but I’ll let you be the judge of that – I’m generally caring and very honest.

I am looking for an attractive female who will at first give me obsessive love, praise and devotion – but whose paranoia, self-loathing and fear of rejection and abandonment will eventually lead her to alternately push me away and pull me closer in a love/hate cycle that will lead to infidelity, consensual sexual violence, and the eventual emotional breakdown of one or other party – or if we’re lucky – both!

You should:

* be 20 to 35 years old;
* have a history of short, intense, drama-driven relationships;
* enjoy degrading and dehumanizing sex;
* have undergone negative psychiatric evaluations in the past; and
* be willing to threaten self-harm and/or annihilation as a weapon to control your partner and make them stay with you and care for you.

Although not completely necessary, I would prefer women:

* with nice smiles;
* that have larger than average breasts;
* who are married or already in unstable relationships;
* that drink to forget; and
* who have had a previous established diagnosis of Borderline or Dependent Personality Disorder or Bi-Polar Affective Disorder – or who are currently taking Lithium Carbonate, SSRIs, or Tri-cyclic antidepressants

If you think you meet these requirements (and wow, I’m getting excited just writing them!), please don’t hesitate to get back to me as soon as possible. In the meantime, thank you for reading my advert, and do take care.

All the best,

Lloyd

ps This advert is in recognition of the big neon sign on my forehead that everyone else can see except me.

Send your gripes to “gripes (at) ofuzi.com, and we promise to publish the most coherent ones. (substitute the “(at)” with “@”).